Phuket

Phuket (pronounced poo-ket, not... whatever you were thinking) is known as Thailand's tourist god. It's full of huge gorgeous beaches, malls and markets where you can shop for hours, restaurants from around the world. Of course this translates into huge resorts, non-stop heckling from locals, old rich white people stretching their way-too-close-to-naked bodies everywhere. In other words, not everything was good.
To be fair the beaches were nice. The sand was very fine, the water remarkably clear, and the weather was superb. However, it was the most crowded beach I've ever personally been to. (The busiest time is mid-December to mid-January)The other downside was with all the tourists there, the markets were just full of tacky souvenir shops and people yelling at you from all directions to come over to their shop.
Despite all of this Dalin and I still managed to find some adventures to be had. The day we arrived we discovered it was Halloween. (One of the most wonderful things about traveling is never being sure what day it is) We decided to go out and celebrate. Dalin found out what part of the island was the gay area, and off we went to the Paradise Complex near Patong beach. I was feeling a bit silly, and just happened to wearing my sarong around my waist like a skirt, so I decided that I'd act flaming gay for the rest of the night. It started without the help of alcohol, but after a margarita and then a drink of the worst beer I've ever tasted I was truly on fire. The beer was called Siam Sat if I remember right. I saw the price of 25 Baht (about 80 cents) for a large bottle, as well as a content of 9% and figured I couldn't go wrong. Well the stuff tasted exactly (exactly) like if you threw up apple juice. Of course I drank it, I mean... I'd paid for it, and I'd be damned if this bottle got the better of me. Anyway, after I was sufficiently giggly (I never even got tipsy), I wondered about flirting with skinny little Thai boys in a falsetto, and according to Dalin I, got a few of them to really like me. One in particular wouldn't believe that I was the straight one and Dalin was gay. We also had a performer from one of the drag shows who was taking pictures of me like mad and she taught us the Thai word for penis, Koi. (I'll never be able to look at those Japanese fish the same again). After several lively drag shoes, I wound up trying high heels for the first time which just about got me killed. (Hats off to you women) To be fair I'd had a few drinks and they were not just any high heels, but platform high heels. Eventually Dalin and I headed back to our hostel, which, it is probably worth mentioning, was the very hostel that the first bit of The Beach was filmed in!
The next day we checked out the world famous Patong beach, which like I said before, was pretty, except for the resorts built right up to the sand and the saggy old ladies, and fat old European men in Speedos, often holding hands with cute young Thai girls. Dalin and I played a bit in the ocean, then built a sand shark that would've been more impressive, except we were racing the tide. We also wondered about Patong town during the evening, and saw the tacky nightlife that was offered there. The worst was a band of Thais that were playing American rock songs, except for the singer really couldn't speak English terribly well, so he pretty much sung by making the sounds of the words, instead of actually saying words. As you can imagine this didn't work too well. My favorite songs were "Play That Funky Music White Boy" just because of pure irony, and the last song, which was Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name of".
We also walked up and down the red light district, which was crazy to say the least. We never really stopped walking, but we both had our asses as well as others parts grabbed many many times by women telling us to "Come inside, many pretty girls!" Thankfully I knew to not have my wallet in my back pocket, because apparently these ass pinches are often joined with pick pocketing. Also, I had my sarong wrapped around my shorts anyway. The best was a sign that read "Suzy Wong's Ass Smaking Fun. Many Sexy Ladies, One Fat Mam.", with another sign that said "Original... Ass Smacking Fun Bar, Others Are Just Copies", so of course I had to get a picture of it. Outside of this classy joint was a bunch of girls armed with foam clubs, and they would go around smacking asses, just like the sign says.
The next day (Monday, November 2nd, 2009) was the Loi Krathong festival, which for reasons that I don't know, people make little boats out of banana leaves, light incense and candles in them, and send them afloat on rivers and lakes. They also light paper lanterns up and send them off into the night like hot air balloons. Some of these boats were incredibly elaborate and beautiful, these pictured here of the dragon and the phoenix took three days each to make. I myself didn't send off a boat. The hot air balloons seemed like more fun and were also cheaper. I got one, and with the help of an old man with a Fu-Man-Chu we set it off into the night I was told later by a local that the old man was probably trying to get the good luck from as many lanterns as possible. I'll admit that I felt kinda guilty as I watched my hot air balloon float off into the night, because I knew that eventually the fire would go out, and the entire thing would just fall into the ocean... probably choking a sea turtle. So even if this thing brings me luck, I'm not so sure it'll be good.